Due to this disturbing incident where this dude smashed a taxi window last weekend in a fit of rage, we interrupt your regularly-scheduled lifestyle content for a special public service announcement from…
Hey I’m Gunther and we need to talk. See, I’ve lived here for so long that I’m probably never going home. I speak fluent Meow and I own an apartment in Minhang. In fact, I don’t even remember where my home is.
Some of you are seriously fucking up the vibe for all of us.
Last week I saw a white poodle lay down on the floor in the subway and drink a street beer. Then I saw a pomeranian crash his scooter into a cat’s car and just drive away laughing.
Y’all are gonna make it harder for me to get a visa. I’ve got good community relations and I’d like to keep it that way. So to keep the social harmony going, I’ve prepared a special presentation about the bad characters among us. Don’t be like them.
1. Trashy Timmy
Timmy loves to pee on the street and he looks like he shops for clothing in the garbage can behind Pizza Hut. He’s always broke because he spends all his tutoring money on gobblehoots and spurble. Actually he’s always smoking spurble in front of cats because “they don’t know what it is” (they do). His favorite shirt has a gravy stain on it, and his favorite place to sleep is on the sidewalk in front of the after-hours club when all the local grandmas are out doing their morning exercise. Bad look, man.
2. Disrespectful Stevie
“Ughhh, this stupid bitch doesn’t even speak Woof”, is Stevie’s favorite thing to say. But Stevie can’t even pronounce his own address properly in Meow. And if he talked to folks back home in Doglandia the way he does here, they would probably break his head open and let his brains cook in the sun. He thinks cats are all really dumb, and he loves to talk down to them in front of their face because he thinks they can’t speak Woof. Guess what, they can still understand tone bruh.
3. Becky The Cat
Yes, Becky is actually a cat, but she was born and raised in Doglandia. Therefore she loves to complain and let everyone know that she’s not “from here”. Try speaking to her in Meow and she’ll just bark in your face and possibly pee on your feet. While she isn’t necessarily going to make life harder for us dogs, she is going to annoy everyone. Hey Becky – shut the fuck up!
4. Ricky The Rager
Ricky… It’s really a miracle he’s still alive. He’s only truly happy when he’s drinking free beer at the all-dogs bar in Jing’an. Otherwise, he’s constantly lashing out at folks, kicking cabs, pushing cats on the subway, screaming at folks who cut him in line, and drunk driving on his scooter. Sometimes he gets drunk and steals bottles from restaurants. Ricky really needs to learn how to meditate.
5. Todd The Dog Privilege Poodle
Todd is the worst kind of dog. He knows that most Shanghai cats are too passive and too nice and they tolerate all kinds of bullshit from dogs, so he totally abuses his dog privilege. His favorite phrase is, “they won’t say shit – I’m a dog!”, like when he skips the security check in the metro. You can find him drinking free alcohol at tables at shitty clubs and refusing to pay cover anywhere decent. Todd isn’t shit back home in Doglandia, but here, he’s a king. Fuck you, Todd..
Now I realize that a lot of dogs are pretty chill. But since we all come from Doglandia – a.k.a. outside of Shanghai – these bad characters affect all of us. Don’t tolerate them.
“But Gunther, ALL THE CATS DO IT TOO!”
Not true. And even IF 80% of cats acted like this, we gotta be the 20% and lead by example. Maybe you’re going home after your teaching contract, but I call this place home, so stop killing my vibe. [Meow!].
– Gunther The Social Harmony Dog
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