This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

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So far Xu Dongmei has created 16 blog entries.

Why Did Blade Runner 2049 Fail In China?

By | 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 November 5th, 2017|Categories: Stories|Tags: , |

LoveBangBladeRunnerPoster

 

Bad news, folks! Blade Runner 2049 is a box office disaster – especially in China. From Kunshan to Kunming,  folks are passing out in the theater or walking out and writing angry reviews. Sadly, this could mean a grim future for deeper, slow-burning sci-fi. But why is this classic film doing so poorly (besides its terrible, terrible poster)?

We read thousands of online reviews, trying to understand this massive, massive failure. Then we noticed a pattern. A netizen named “SunflowerSeedsMane” has been viciously trolling everyone who gave the film a score of 7/10 or above. He called them posers. He insulted their grandmothers. He accused them of sexual harassment. We tracked down this self-proclaimed “Gatekeeper of the Chinese Box Office” and asked him, “Well, how would YOU make this movie better?” He insisted on coming to our office and explaining seven ways he would save the film.

 

LoveBangGuaziMane

 

SunflowerSeedsMane: “Blade Runner 2049 really pissed me off. I want my three hours back. And all these folks on Douban talking about how they loved this film – they’re all a bunch of phonies. Movies are supposed to be fun. They’re supposed to entertain us while reinforcing our belief systems. There wasn’t even a god damn iPhone in that whole movie! Or a song! No wonder this shit bombed.

I could make a wayyyy more successful Blade Runner sequel than Denis Villeneuve. Just make these seven changes, re-release the movie at CNY 2018, and we’re gonna make more money than Jack Ma. Welcome to Blade Runner 2049: Fun & Furious.”

 

1. More Car Racing!  LoveBangBladeRunnerCarRacing

 

We need to start this movie with some CRAZY car races that destroy half the city, which is now Chongqing instead of LA btw. We’re adding massive explosions, Blade Runners chasing Replicants, and Replicants shooting back with mind control cannons. These Replicants will be played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Tom Cruise, and the entire cast of Fast & Furious. Boom!

 

2. More Hilarious Characters!

LoveBangBladeRunnerChucklesTheCat

 

Blade Runner 2049 is wayyyyyyy too serious. Especially K. That’s why we’re introducing a new character named Chuckles The Dirty Dongbei Cat. He’s a little fat and more than a little sleazy, and he loves telling filthy jokes in Dōngběihuà. He also has some homoerotic tension with K, kinda like Sherlock and Watson, which the younger female audience is going to love.

Cute characters = more merchandise to sell to kids, so we’re gonna turn those protein worms at Sapper Morton’s farm into adorable little CGI bugs that talk and giggle. AND they’ll be voiced by TF Boys.

 

3. Blade Runner 2049 Theme Song!

Blade Runner Theme Song

 

Worst. Soundtrack. Ever. It’s not even music! Our new Blade Runner theme song is 2018’s biggest collaboration – an EDM anthem by PG One and Taylor Swift, produced by Kris Wu, and sponsored by a beer company. This is way bigger than Wiz Khalifa’s “See You Again.” But we gotta relate to the older audience too, so we’ll have a duet by Jackie Chan and Celine Dion, with lyrics talking about the true human spirit and the meaning of sacrifice.

Also, we need a scene where K gets attacked by anti-Replicant thugs, and when he’s lying on the pavement nearly dead, he gets up and starts ripping the skin off their bones like a Mortal Kombat fatality. That’s when Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life” starts playing.

 

4. Teenage Vampires!

LoveBangVampireBladeRunner

 

We can’t just ignore everyone who stays inside watching illegally downloaded American TV shows all day. That’s why we need teen vampires and their drama. Like, remember the time Vampire Ralph got drunk for the first time and Vampire Stacy helped him get over his hangover by taking him to the gym, and then they slaughtered everyone there and drank their blood? What will they do next! Side note: we should also add in some stories about white-collar city girls and their gay friends..

 

5. Shoot The Whole Movie in Chongqing

LoveBangBladeRunnerChongqing

 

Sure, some of these changes are gonna increase the budget. But we’re gonna offset that cost by shooting the whole film in Chongqing, which already looks like Blade Runner. Then we’ll have some mixed-race Panda / Replicant babies selling chuàn-er in the streets, with cute aliens scanning QR codes to pay for their chuan-chuan-er.

 

6. Deckard’s Dog Should Talk

LoveBangBladeRunnerDog

 

Deckard’s dog is weird and possibly synthetic. Let’s take it further and make him talk. After we reveal that Deckard’s Dog is the mortal enemy of Chuckles The Dirty Dongbei Cat, they’ll have a flying car race where the winner gets a date with Taylor Swift and the loser gets fed to the Teenage Vampires.

But is Deckard’s dog a Replicant?? If we’re lucky, we’ll find out in one of the five spinoff films, “Blade Runner: Animaltopia,” which will provide an incredibly profitable line of pet-centric merchandise that we’ll market through KOL pets.

 

7. Localize The Love!

LoveBangBladeRunnerAlternatePoster

 

Finally, we gotta localize the love scene between K and Joi / Mariette. In our remake, K takes Joi to a brothel in Dongguan. One of those fancy brothels where you choose from a big line of girls. But these girls are Replicants played by Japanese AV stars dressed up in classic, see-through Blade Runner PVC outfits.

At this point, females in the audience might be feeling a little uncomfortable. No problem. Here’s where we introduce the boss of the brothel, Wuzi Tian, who happens to be the most successful businesswoman in China. She’s rich. She’s independent. And at the end of the movie, she invents a time machine and saves the earth by traveling back to the Tang Dynasty with Chuckles the Dirty Dongbei Cat and killing Alden Tyrell’s 8th-Century relatives. Win!

 

And THAT, is how we save this film, and science fiction. And I’m not giving Denis Villeneuve a single RMB of the profits, because I’m never getting my three hours back.

– SunflowerSeedsMane

 

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Your WeChat Moments Got Blocked Because…

By | 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 September 24th, 2017|Categories: Stories|

rabbit-by-the-sea

 

WeChat Moments always look better than real life. Like, that music festival actually sucked and no one was dancing (because no one was there). And your friend who’s always posing with Hermes bags, Porsches, and bottles of Romanée-Conti? She actually cries herself to sleep every night.

I don’t like to see these kinds of images and false realities. Luckily, WeChat has an great function called “Hide Her / His Moments.” Let’s take a look at the kinds of folks I block.

 

1. The Inappropriate Selfie Poster

lovebangwechatblockedselfie

 

I’m not anti-selfie, but some selfies are just not chill. These include selfies in the gym – especially on the treadmill. Selfies in public bathrooms (there’s an Ayi doing her thing in the background and that’s super unfair for her). Posting nine selfies in a row. Selfies with some random whites you met on the street. Selfies with any kind of skin-smoothing or whitening filters. Selfies of you eating river snails or those furry, half-chicken half-eggs. Selfies next to cars that do not belong to you (you don’t even have a driver’s license). These are all instant blocks for me.

 

2. The “Please Vote For Me!” Poster

lovebangwechatblockvoteforme

 

Heads up, I’m definitely not gonna vote in your child’s kindergarten singing competition so you can win some free tickets to Mamma Mia. I’m also not gonna vote for your client’s bar. Tbh, I clicked on the link and realized that I like all of their competitors better. Speaking of nightlife, my version of spring cleaning is blocking about 100 industry folks in the months leading up to the CatsWeekend awards show.

 

3. The Over-Promoters

lovebangwechatblockoverpromote

 

The worst kind of promotion is over-promotion. And honey you look so desperate with your daily posts. We all see you spamming every group chat, too. This Air Bud screening party is not gonna save your business. Actually, you’ve got all this time to train your rude staff, fix those broken windows, or update your playlists, but instead, you’re wasting time sending posts like this.

And what’s worse, you organized a “media tasting” event and invited all the wrong media folks to eat for free. Sure, they took lots of food photos and posted on their Moments, but guess what – they’re probably all blocked by your potential customers, because they post way too much.

 

4. The Unstable-Yet-Motivational Posters

lovebangwechatblockunstablepromoters

 

This friend can somehow hit rock bottom and best-day-ever in the same day. Every day. When we first became WeChat friends, I was trying to help them out but… we had some communication difficulties, and then they asked me for a donation. That’s when they got blocked.

 

5. The Way-Too-Late-On-Everything Poster

lovebangwechatblockedtoolate

 

The dude from Linkin Park killed himself two months ago but you’re just now posting “R.I.P. Chester.” Last week you posted “I’m In Love With The Coco” as your new workout song, and you just posted “Nǐ yǒu freestyle ma?😏”. I know you have 4G. I don’t understand why you’re getting information so much slower than the rest of us. But actually, in a fucked up way, I kind of envy you.

 

6. The Yoga & Afternoon-Tea Queens

lovebangwechatblockedcake

 

They’re either wasting cake in the restaurant, or wasting my data with their yoga photos. Either way, I don’t have time for it honey. I really don’t.

 

I started blocking moments about a year ago, and now I’ve successfully blocked 404 of my 1388 contacts. Life is way better now that I can see what’s going on with my real friends instead of all those ads. But my real secret to better living? I don’t even use my phone that much. Too much phone is bad for your skin, honey, and no filter is gonna fix that.

 

– Relationship Counselor Rabbit

 

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6 Shanghai Neighbors You Hate To Love

By | 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 August 9th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|

LoveBangRabbitNeighborhood

 

Welcome back honey. Long time no talk. Argh. This weather has me moving slow like a turtle under the drizzle from the air conditioners above the sidewalk. Honestly, the heat has me kinda irritated too. Sometimes I feel like Shanghai would be way chiller if everyone didn’t live quite so close together. Tight living conditions make relationships difficult, especially when you’re dealing with folks like these. Welcome to my neighborhood.

 

1. The Bǎo’ān

LoveBangBaoAn

During my ten years in Shanghai, I’ve met every kind of bao’an. Friendly bao’an that always smile and try to introduce me to their nephews for a date. Mean bao’an who still give me that judgy look even after seeing me for three years. Distinguished bao’an in freshly dry-cleaned uniforms who speak proper Meow and Woof. Bao’an in street clothes with giant scars on their heads like they just had a lobotomy. Bao’ans who look like they do 200 push-ups every day, and Bao’an whose teeth are so bad it looks like they chewed on a black marker until it exploded in their mouth.

My bao’an these days is a lady, which is rare. She looks tough, like she could be a hidden character in Street Fighter, but I’m still trying to figure out if she can actually fight.

2. Crazy Neighbor

LoveBangCrazyNeighbor

I’ve never actually seen my crazy neighbor, but I hear him every night. He leaves the TV on at full volume 24/7, so when I come home from the club, the whole staircase sounds like a Japanese war drama. I hear bullets, screams, and also the singing from the dozens of crickets he keeps in his apartment. Crazy Neighbor has started several small fires in the hallway. For a while, he kept a pile of trash taller than me just outside his door. The trash attracted a family of rats, so one day I threw away some of the boxes. The next morning, crazy neighbor wrote me a poem and taped it on the wall. It read, “TO THE THIEF – I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, WHORE. YOUR FAMILY IS DYING. YOUR LIFE IS FUCKED.”

When I told Bao’an about the poem, she just laughed nervously. That’s when I realized that bao’an can only control the folks who don’t live in the building.

3. Lost Waìmaì Guy & Kuaìdì Brother Who Never Gets Lost

LoveBangWaimai

For whatever reason, Lost Waimai Guy does not have the ability to ask bao’an how to get to your apartment. He prefers to call you seven times and yell on the phone in his dialect. No matter how many times you tell him exactly where your apartment is, you will still have to meet him in the hall or even downstairs to get your bag of food. You thought you were the one who should be mad, but somehow he’s even more pissed.

Lost Wai Mai Guy should learn from Kuai Di Brother Who Never Gets Lost. He is a rider of the wind.

4. The Renovator

4

The street outside your window has been under repair for two years. Even the birds moved out. Now your neighbors are renovating their apartment so they can raise the rent, and it sounds like a Skrillex concert every morning at 8am. It’s sad to see them bringing all this tacky “European” style décor into a beautiful old art deco building, but it’s even more depressing to watch the construction workers take naps in clouds of poison construction dust every afternoon.

5. The Ayi Who Always Leaves Her Door Open

LoveBangAyiDoorOpen

I get it, you need to keep the

[and dust] flowing in and out of your home at all times. You’re probably one of those folks that keeps their hotel room door open 24/7 too. OK, but you don’t get to look pissed-off when I drop a friendly “hello” when you’re STANDING BY YOUR OPEN DOOR. Also, you’re creating a campus for cockroaches, and a restaurant for rats. And since I live next door, they love to visit my apartment when they get sick of the food you serve at your crib. Not chill!

6. Water Bill Uncle

Love Bang Water Bill Uncle

So you’re chilling at home and suddenly the doorbell rings. But you’re not expecting anyone, so you figure it’s bad news and you just sit there in silence and wait for them to go away. But then they ring again. And again. And they’re shouting the number of your apartment, like, “èr líng wǔ! èr líng wǔ!” And you’re thinking, “fuck, what if it’s the police coming to take me away?” So you turn off your phone and just sit there in silence, sweating.

Relax. It’s probably just the uncle from the water company coming to collect your bill that you haven’t paid in five months. His favorite time to come is around 9am on Saturday morning after you went to bed at 7am.

 

True, my neighbors are annoying sometimes, but I probably wouldn’t do any better if I was in their shoes. The waimai dude has to work so hard in this heat just to make a few kuai so he can feed his baby back home. And who knows what crazy neighbor has been through in his lifetime. But more importantly, all these characters are what makes city life so colorful. Boredom is never an issue in my neighborhood, honey. If I had to live somewhere dull like the American suburbs, I’d probably just kill myself.


– Relationship Counselor Rabbit

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Why I Quit The Gym And Still Look Sexy AF

By | 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 July 12th, 2017|Categories: Stories|

LoveBangRabbitGym

 

Welcome back sisters! Summer’s here and you know you need to look gorgeous at your ex’s wedding and in that random party photo album on laowai.com. Of course, I look good 24/7, 365.  I gotta shine like diamonds in the room, always. But I don’t fuck with bird’s nest or plastic surgery as you already know. My secret is simple: drink lots of water, exercise, and maintain my happiness. But unfortunately, some lames at the gym pretty much ruined my daily happy workout routine and I had to find another solution. These are the guilty parties.

 

1. The Bros Who Moan

LoveBangGymBrosWhoMoan

These bros don’t have dayjobs because their mom probably owns three apartments in Catland, so they’re at the gym all afternoon every day. After chain-smoking a few cigs in the toilet, they start their three-hour routine with a twenty-minute WeChat Moments warmup on the one machine I need. After another thirty minutes of bullshitting with their bros, they’ll do a set of exactly 12 reps on the bench press, yelling out a random English word or phrase with each rep.

“1…2…3…OOOOOOOOOOK FUCK!”

Also, their boy will help him with 11 of those 12 reps. And you can forget about that bench getting cleaned off. They’re all allergic to towels, honey. After that, it’s time for every Moaning Bro’s favorite game: Who Can Throw The Most Weights on The Floor While Moaning The Loudest. Their other hobbies include casual sexual harassment, showing their balls whenever possible (so I’m told), and trying to one-up any foreigner in the gym, because miànzi. Worst.

 

2. The “Personal Trainers”

LoveBangPersonalTrainer

Most personal trainers (PTs) either look like they’ve never worked out a day in their life, or like they just came back from shooting-up some Taobao steroids in the alley. Either way, their favorite squat is the perch squat, and they have the worst pick-up lines.

PTs love teaching dangerous techniques, like jumping up and down while holding barbells over your head, stretching to the point of pain, and even running up and down staircases with your eyes closed (to build trust in zìjǐ). You will never see them without a phone in their hand, but don’t EVER give them your phone number, because they’re gonna call you more than your crazy ex-boyfriend Ricky who moved to Bangkok.

If a PT sees you doing a technique they’re unfamilar with, like a chin-up, they’ll run over, tell you you’re doing something wrong, and offer to “teach” you at an hourly rate higher than most English tutors. Then they’ll try to talk to you about your “diet”, but honey you can’t take nutrition advice from someone that lives off fried rice and Báishā cigarettes.

 

3. That Played-Out Mixtape

LoveBangGymMixtape

Kind of a misnomer, because my gym’s mixtape isn’t even mixed. He’s definitely tired though, because he’s been working 14-hour shifts every day since 2012 without a single break. I block out what I can but still rememember the following:

– a trap remix of “What’s Going On”, by 4 Non Blondes

– some bullshit they were playing at Stormy’s Festival 2013

– 88LouieXIII Bar’s electrohouse remix of Akon’s “I Wanna Fuck You”

Urgh.

 

4. The Lewd Sauna Ayis

LoveBangSaunaAyis

Sure, these ladies may look nice and proper when they’re wearing their high-heels on the treadmills, but behind the doors of the ladies locker room, their vibe turns way darker. They post up in the sauna for hours, wrapped in plastic like some kind of fetish website. They’re spread eagle on the floor, scrubbing the skin off their backs, munching on tea eggs, and shouting all the secrets of their friends and neighbors. Here’s something I heard the one time I wandered in there: “Did you see that girl with the foreign boyfriend? Ó yō! Her pussy must be destroyed!”

Sauna Ayis basically treat the gym like their home, and they all possess the superpower of being able to talk and hear each other no matter how loud the background noise is.

 

5. The Hairdryers – Catland’s #1 Victim

LoveBangHairdryer

I just feel real bad for them. These folks are actually working harder than anyone at the gym. And like veterans and refugees, they have witnessed upspeakable horrors. #PrayForTheHairDryers

 

OK so I quit the gym. Sold my membership card to someone named Vivian. But I still look fine as hell because now I just work out at the elderly folks gym outside in the park across the street. There’s birds singing, sunbeams shining, Ayis dancing, and best of all, the membership is free! Now, instead of looking at some upper middle-class folks staring at their phones, I just watch the grandpas happily hit the trees with their back as they fix their qì. And I’ve never felt better.

 

– Relationship Counselor Rabbit

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