This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

Why Did Blade Runner 2049 Fail In China?

By | 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 November 5th, 2017|Categories: Stories|Tags: , |

LoveBangBladeRunnerPoster

 

Bad news, folks! Blade Runner 2049 is a box office disaster – especially in China. From Kunshan to Kunming,  folks are passing out in the theater or walking out and writing angry reviews. Sadly, this could mean a grim future for deeper, slow-burning sci-fi. But why is this classic film doing so poorly (besides its terrible, terrible poster)?

We read thousands of online reviews, trying to understand this massive, massive failure. Then we noticed a pattern. A netizen named “SunflowerSeedsMane” has been viciously trolling everyone who gave the film a score of 7/10 or above. He called them posers. He insulted their grandmothers. He accused them of sexual harassment. We tracked down this self-proclaimed “Gatekeeper of the Chinese Box Office” and asked him, “Well, how would YOU make this movie better?” He insisted on coming to our office and explaining seven ways he would save the film.

 

LoveBangGuaziMane

 

SunflowerSeedsMane: “Blade Runner 2049 really pissed me off. I want my three hours back. And all these folks on Douban talking about how they loved this film – they’re all a bunch of phonies. Movies are supposed to be fun. They’re supposed to entertain us while reinforcing our belief systems. There wasn’t even a god damn iPhone in that whole movie! Or a song! No wonder this shit bombed.

I could make a wayyyy more successful Blade Runner sequel than Denis Villeneuve. Just make these seven changes, re-release the movie at CNY 2018, and we’re gonna make more money than Jack Ma. Welcome to Blade Runner 2049: Fun & Furious.”

 

1. More Car Racing!  LoveBangBladeRunnerCarRacing

 

We need to start this movie with some CRAZY car races that destroy half the city, which is now Chongqing instead of LA btw. We’re adding massive explosions, Blade Runners chasing Replicants, and Replicants shooting back with mind control cannons. These Replicants will be played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Tom Cruise, and the entire cast of Fast & Furious. Boom!

 

2. More Hilarious Characters!

LoveBangBladeRunnerChucklesTheCat

 

Blade Runner 2049 is wayyyyyyy too serious. Especially K. That’s why we’re introducing a new character named Chuckles The Dirty Dongbei Cat. He’s a little fat and more than a little sleazy, and he loves telling filthy jokes in Dōngběihuà. He also has some homoerotic tension with K, kinda like Sherlock and Watson, which the younger female audience is going to love.

Cute characters = more merchandise to sell to kids, so we’re gonna turn those protein worms at Sapper Morton’s farm into adorable little CGI bugs that talk and giggle. AND they’ll be voiced by TF Boys.

 

3. Blade Runner 2049 Theme Song!

Blade Runner Theme Song

 

Worst. Soundtrack. Ever. It’s not even music! Our new Blade Runner theme song is 2018’s biggest collaboration – an EDM anthem by PG One and Taylor Swift, produced by Kris Wu, and sponsored by a beer company. This is way bigger than Wiz Khalifa’s “See You Again.” But we gotta relate to the older audience too, so we’ll have a duet by Jackie Chan and Celine Dion, with lyrics talking about the true human spirit and the meaning of sacrifice.

Also, we need a scene where K gets attacked by anti-Replicant thugs, and when he’s lying on the pavement nearly dead, he gets up and starts ripping the skin off their bones like a Mortal Kombat fatality. That’s when Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life” starts playing.

 

4. Teenage Vampires!

LoveBangVampireBladeRunner

 

We can’t just ignore everyone who stays inside watching illegally downloaded American TV shows all day. That’s why we need teen vampires and their drama. Like, remember the time Vampire Ralph got drunk for the first time and Vampire Stacy helped him get over his hangover by taking him to the gym, and then they slaughtered everyone there and drank their blood? What will they do next! Side note: we should also add in some stories about white-collar city girls and their gay friends..

 

5. Shoot The Whole Movie in Chongqing

LoveBangBladeRunnerChongqing

 

Sure, some of these changes are gonna increase the budget. But we’re gonna offset that cost by shooting the whole film in Chongqing, which already looks like Blade Runner. Then we’ll have some mixed-race Panda / Replicant babies selling chuàn-er in the streets, with cute aliens scanning QR codes to pay for their chuan-chuan-er.

 

6. Deckard’s Dog Should Talk

LoveBangBladeRunnerDog

 

Deckard’s dog is weird and possibly synthetic. Let’s take it further and make him talk. After we reveal that Deckard’s Dog is the mortal enemy of Chuckles The Dirty Dongbei Cat, they’ll have a flying car race where the winner gets a date with Taylor Swift and the loser gets fed to the Teenage Vampires.

But is Deckard’s dog a Replicant?? If we’re lucky, we’ll find out in one of the five spinoff films, “Blade Runner: Animaltopia,” which will provide an incredibly profitable line of pet-centric merchandise that we’ll market through KOL pets.

 

7. Localize The Love!

LoveBangBladeRunnerAlternatePoster

 

Finally, we gotta localize the love scene between K and Joi / Mariette. In our remake, K takes Joi to a brothel in Dongguan. One of those fancy brothels where you choose from a big line of girls. But these girls are Replicants played by Japanese AV stars dressed up in classic, see-through Blade Runner PVC outfits.

At this point, females in the audience might be feeling a little uncomfortable. No problem. Here’s where we introduce the boss of the brothel, Wuzi Tian, who happens to be the most successful businesswoman in China. She’s rich. She’s independent. And at the end of the movie, she invents a time machine and saves the earth by traveling back to the Tang Dynasty with Chuckles the Dirty Dongbei Cat and killing Alden Tyrell’s 8th-Century relatives. Win!

 

And THAT, is how we save this film, and science fiction. And I’m not giving Denis Villeneuve a single RMB of the profits, because I’m never getting my three hours back.

– SunflowerSeedsMane

 

Scan this QR to get lots more surreal content right to your WeChat, or jump on our email train below.

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NoBike’s New Xiao San Lurrr™ 小三轮儿 Disrupts China’s Bike-Sharing Industry

By | 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 May 9th, 2017|Categories: Stories|Tags: , , |

missing

Have you ever thought, “I wish I was in better shape. I wish I could be more creative. I wish I had more time to be outside. And I wish my wife could speak better English!”

Well what if today, not one, not two, but THREE of those wishes could come true?

Now they can! Introducing the newest disruptive technology in the evolution of transporation – the Xiao San Lurrr™ 小三轮儿, by NoBike™.

Love Bang Xiao San Lun

Bicycles only have two wheels, but smart folks like yourself know that three is always stronger than two. That’s why Xiao San Lurrr™ has THREE wheels, and a crazy Creative Deck™.

Forget about waiting for cabs ever again. Just grab a Xiao San Lurrr™, tell your crew to hop in the back, and now it’s LIT wherever you go. And with aesthetics like Xiao San Lurrr™, everyone’s gonna be begging you for a ride.

party

With pre-parties like this, you might not even make it to the club.

But Xiao San Lurrr™ is about so much more than just riding. Here’s just a few disruptive ideas you can make happen with your Creative Deck™.

1. Bring out your inner entrepreneur and use Creative Deck™ as a venue for your very own pop-up shop. Now you can finally sell those Thanksgiving kebabs, open a DJ School, or host a turtle adoption day – the only limit is your imagination. You can even link-up with other creative Xiao San Lurrr™ users and throw your own creative market or festival!

Love Bang Thanksgiving Kebab

2. Xiao San Lurrr doubles as an eco-friendly co-working space, right on the street – and we all know that’s where the real opportunities are. Plus, there’s free craft beer because that’s how millennials get shit done!

 

3. Dark skin is trending, but why pay an expensive tanning salon when you can run your own, right from your Creative Deck™? Let your friends tan for free or charge ’em by the minute!

Love Bang Tanning Salon

4. Go crazy with some of our VIP Options and pimp out your ride!

Love Bang Xiao San Lurrr VIP Options

Still on the fence? Just listen to these testimonials from our satisfied riders.

 

“A few years ago, my wife Ruby and I fell in love when we met at the People’s Square English corner. But after she got pregnant, we realized the cultural differences were massive! Once, I almost threw her mother out of the 21st floor window. But thanks to our date nights with Xiao San Lurrr™, love is in the air again. Thanks, NoBike!” – Tony Guy

 

couple

 

“Last month, I told my boss, ‘hey man, you can suck my D – I’m starting my own company.’ Now I’m my own boss. I’ve got an English learning center on the back of my Xiao San Lurrr.” – Ricky Kushner

 

“OK, I NEED A XIAO SAN LURRR. SWING DOWN AND LET ME RIDE!”

 

Love Bang Xiao San Lurrr App

Here’s the best part – Xiao San Lurrr™ is organic and 100% free! We don’t even need your passport info. Just download the app from the Trap Store and prepare a deposit of 5000rmb (cash only), and we’ll send one of our uncles over to collect it in three minutes, anywhere in China. You read that right – three minutes. We got a lot of uncles.

After that, we’ll invest your deposit into a complicated but 100% risk-free string of offshore investments. But you don’t need to worry about that! Whenever you see a Xiao San Lurrr, just hop on and park it wherever you want. And if someone gets mad about you parking your Xiao San Lurrr in the middle of the road or the blind folks lane, just laugh in their stupid face and tell them, “Good luck kicking this over, gramps! We all know triangles are the strongest!”

Xiao San Lurrr, by NoBike. It’s no bike – because it’s got three wheels.

Love Bang Xiao San Lurrr Logo

 

Don’t forget to follow us on Instagram and WeChat for lots more surreal content.

LoveBangFollowTheCats

Love Bang Anniversary w/DJ Earl (TEKLIFE) on April 22

By | 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 April 21st, 2017|Categories: Events|Tags: |

fixed-cat-head

Let’s get surreal this Saturday night. It’s our birthday. We’re turning seven. DAMN. Thank you. So we’re throwing a party on Saturday at the place where Love Bang started back in 2010 – Dada Shanghai.

love-bang-7-year-logo

We got piñatas, brand new visuals, installations glowing like jellyfish, and a crazy lineup. DJ Earl from TEKLIFE is about to destroy the floor with some Chicago footwork and the rest of the lineup is stacked with Shanghai’s finest. We bought so many decorations from Jack Ma that you might not even recognize Dada. No joke about the treats either, we made some Xu Dongmei cookies together with Strictly Cookies AND we just printed some super limited new shirts. Before we get into all that, lean back and peep this Boiler Room set by DJ Earl.

earl

Pitchfork speaks to DJ Earl about roller skating rinks and footwork.

Chicago footwork is our favorite new dance music of the last decade. The turbo-speed battle dance genre blends soul, hip hop, house, jungle, trap, and jazz vibes with chopped MPC beats and samples as it switches frantically between half-time, 4/4 beats, and complex, wobbly rhythms. The first time you hear footwork, you’re like “damn, what the hell is this?” but you can’t help but nod your head.

DJ Earl represents the new generation of Chicago’s sound, between jazz and funk tunes, devilish synthesizers, unstructured hip hop samples, heavy sub basses and mesmerizing snares. He’s released on prestigious record labels such as Hyperdub and Planet Mu and he dropped his debut LP Open Your Eyes on TEKLIFE in 2016 to much acclaim. Now based in Miami, Earl has lit up dance floors from the Chicago roller rinks and dance studios where footwork began to Fabric London, Boiler Room, Amsterdam Dance Event, and just last week, a wild tour playing footwork around India. He’s been involved in this music since his early teenage years and dude has serious skills on CDJs.

Heavy support coming from…

Hyph11e (Genome 6.66 Mbp) B2B Swimful (SVBKVLT)

Tess

Playing back-to-back for the first time ever, two of Shanghai’s finest grime and bass producers are dropping a bunch of original productions that have gotten played everywhere from Rinse FM in London to Berghain Club in Berlin. Swimful’s new EP Pearls drops next weekend on SVBKVLT and hopefully we’ll get to hear some of that on Saturday.

Swimful1

Zean (Push & Pull)

Stan

We’ve known Zean since he was a beatboxer known as Dirtymouth just learning how to make beats. Now just a few years later, he’s sitting on a mountain of unreleased fire. His B2B set with Conrank at Boiler Room Shanghai did the city proud and he’s gonna keep this night going super late.

Pinball Lizard (?????)

WHO IS THE PINBALL LIZARD?? YOU GOTTA COME FIND OUT. HE NEVER PLAYS OUT. HE IS A LEGEND.

Exclusive Love Bang Drops Available On The Night

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Love Bang x Strictly Cookies “Xu Dongmei Cookie”

LoveBangTingBuDongShirtLove Bang “Ting Bu Dong Shirt”

 

This party starts early at 8pm and it might sell out so get down early. 60rmb before midnight, 80rmb after. No pre-sales, but the first 100 people get a free sticker pack. See you there.

WEB2017Apr22LoveBangDadaShanghai

When Smartphones Kill: A Qingming Holiday Safety Special

By | 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 April 3rd, 2017|Categories: LB Comix, Stories|Tags: , , |

1lovebanginterviewingwithyanwang

Hello folks and happy Tombsweeping Holiday! Have you ever wondered what you’ll be in YOUR next life? Well today we’ve got an exclusive interview with Yánwáng, a.k.a. The King of Hell, a.k.a. the dude on those 500rmb Hell Money notes that your favorite Āyí is burning right now. He’s the judge down there in Hades. When you die, he decides whether you’ll spend eternity digging for cans of dog food that you can’t even eat because your throat is swollen shut OR get reincarnated as a beautiful flower, or an astronaut, or even a turtle! He’s actually a really nice guy.

Anyway, I was planning to ask him about the newest tech and F&B trends down in hell – like hey, do they have vegan options in the staff cafeteria these days? Are they still playing EDM in the torture chambers? But Yanwang didn’t wanna discuss any of that. He’s all stressed out because folks keep dying in cell phone accidents and he’s overworked trying to sort out their souls for afterliving.

 

Yanwang The King of Hell and His Holiday Presentation on Smartphone Safety

2lovebangyanwangmain

Hai Shifu: Hey Yanwang, thanks a lot for taking the time to help us fill a hole for topical holiday content.

Yanwang: Thanks for having me, and I’m sorry you caught me at such a bad time. You know, I used to love my job, but ever since the third or fourth wave of smartphones, our immigration department has just been a clusterfuck. Folks falling into manholes and getting eaten by rats… folks getting eaten by escalators… We’re backed up for like MONTHS, man.

And these souls – I don’t even know how to judge them anymore, and Netherworld OS9.3 can’t read their LifeFiles. (Hey Tony in software – hope you’re reading this – would it kill you to write a fucking patch, man?). It’s like they were already dead before they even died. They’re all stuck on this three-second cassette loop, just flickering the last three seconds before their death.

Let tell you about some of these souls I keep seeing down here.

 

1. The Ones Who Drove and Swiped GOODBYE

 

3lovebangphonedeathdrive

Yanwang: Ohhhhh! Vivian just liked your WeChat Moment. A dog just followed you on Instagram! BOOM! CRASH INTO A RIVER OF BLOOD. I see these cases all the time.

 

2. The Bathtub KOL

 

4lovebangbathtubkol

Yanwang: Silk The Shocker! …I just thought folks knew this was a bad idea? Especially when they got the 10rmb charger from the uncle at the sock shop.

 

3. The BBQ Face Brunch Special

5lovebangphoneexplosion

Yanwang: See, a lot of folks worry about the number four. That’s crazy. What they need to worry about is talking on the damn phone when it’s plugged in the wall.

 

4. The Rooftoppers

6lovebangrooftopchasingghost

Yanwang: Oh god. I can’t. “Chasing Rooftops.” Why. You think taking a selfie hanging off a building makes you look hard?? You know what’s harder? The ground.

Play it safe.

Love Bang Anti Shouji Shouji Club

I could go on and on about the girl who was Face-Timing on her Mobike and swerved in front of a tuna fish truck, or the dude that got lost on his GPS trying to find In N’ Out and wandered into ISIS territory, but my point is, we’re like, really backed up down here in the netherworld, so please just do us all a favor and don’t be a statistic. And remember – eat all your rice. You don’t wanna be a hungry ghost.

Yanwang, a.k.a. Yama

 

***

 

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[at] lovebanguniverse [dot] com.

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