Hello folks and happy Tombsweeping Holiday! Have you ever wondered what you’ll be in YOUR next life? Well today we’ve got an exclusive interview with Yánwáng, a.k.a. The King of Hell, a.k.a. the dude on those 500rmb Hell Money notes that your favorite Āyí is burning right now. He’s the judge down there in Hades. When you die, he decides whether you’ll spend eternity digging for cans of dog food that you can’t even eat because your throat is swollen shut OR get reincarnated as a beautiful flower, or an astronaut, or even a turtle! He’s actually a really nice guy.
Anyway, I was planning to ask him about the newest tech and F&B trends down in hell – like hey, do they have vegan options in the staff cafeteria these days? Are they still playing EDM in the torture chambers? But Yanwang didn’t wanna discuss any of that. He’s all stressed out because folks keep dying in cell phone accidents and he’s overworked trying to sort out their souls for afterliving.
Yanwang The King of Hell and His Holiday Presentation on Smartphone Safety
Hai Shifu: Hey Yanwang, thanks a lot for taking the time to help us fill a hole for topical holiday content.
Yanwang: Thanks for having me, and I’m sorry you caught me at such a bad time. You know, I used to love my job, but ever since the third or fourth wave of smartphones, our immigration department has just been a clusterfuck. Folks falling into manholes and getting eaten by rats… folks getting eaten by escalators… We’re backed up for like MONTHS, man.
And these souls – I don’t even know how to judge them anymore, and Netherworld OS9.3 can’t read their LifeFiles. (Hey Tony in software – hope you’re reading this – would it kill you to write a fucking patch, man?). It’s like they were already dead before they even died. They’re all stuck on this three-second cassette loop, just flickering the last three seconds before their death.
Let tell you about some of these souls I keep seeing down here.
1. The Ones Who Drove and Swiped GOODBYE
Yanwang: Ohhhhh! Vivian just liked your WeChat Moment. A dog just followed you on Instagram! BOOM! CRASH INTO A RIVER OF BLOOD. I see these cases all the time.
2. The Bathtub KOL
Yanwang: Silk The Shocker! …I just thought folks knew this was a bad idea? Especially when they got the 10rmb charger from the uncle at the sock shop.
3. The BBQ Face Brunch Special
Yanwang: See, a lot of folks worry about the number four. That’s crazy. What they need to worry about is talking on the damn phone when it’s plugged in the wall.
4. The Rooftoppers
Yanwang: Oh god. I can’t. “Chasing Rooftops.” Why. You think taking a selfie hanging off a building makes you look hard?? You know what’s harder? The ground.
Play it safe.
I could go on and on about the girl who was Face-Timing on her Mobike and swerved in front of a tuna fish truck, or the dude that got lost on his GPS trying to find In N’ Out and wandered into ISIS territory, but my point is, we’re like, really backed up down here in the netherworld, so please just do us all a favor and don’t be a statistic. And remember – eat all your rice. You don’t wanna be a hungry ghost.
– Yanwang, a.k.a. Yama
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