This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

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So far Xu Dongmei has created 17 blog entries.

Why I Quit The Gym And Still Look Sexy AF

By | 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 July 12th, 2017|Categories: Stories|

LoveBangRabbitGym

 

Welcome back sisters! Summer’s here and you know you need to look gorgeous at your ex’s wedding and in that random party photo album on laowai.com. Of course, I look good 24/7, 365.  I gotta shine like diamonds in the room, always. But I don’t fuck with bird’s nest or plastic surgery as you already know. My secret is simple: drink lots of water, exercise, and maintain my happiness. But unfortunately, some lames at the gym pretty much ruined my daily happy workout routine and I had to find another solution. These are the guilty parties.

 

1. The Bros Who Moan

LoveBangGymBrosWhoMoan

These bros don’t have dayjobs because their mom probably owns three apartments in Catland, so they’re at the gym all afternoon every day. After chain-smoking a few cigs in the toilet, they start their three-hour routine with a twenty-minute WeChat Moments warmup on the one machine I need. After another thirty minutes of bullshitting with their bros, they’ll do a set of exactly 12 reps on the bench press, yelling out a random English word or phrase with each rep.

“1…2…3…OOOOOOOOOOK FUCK!”

Also, their boy will help him with 11 of those 12 reps. And you can forget about that bench getting cleaned off. They’re all allergic to towels, honey. After that, it’s time for every Moaning Bro’s favorite game: Who Can Throw The Most Weights on The Floor While Moaning The Loudest. Their other hobbies include casual sexual harassment, showing their balls whenever possible (so I’m told), and trying to one-up any foreigner in the gym, because miànzi. Worst.

 

2. The “Personal Trainers”

LoveBangPersonalTrainer

Most personal trainers (PTs) either look like they’ve never worked out a day in their life, or like they just came back from shooting-up some Taobao steroids in the alley. Either way, their favorite squat is the perch squat, and they have the worst pick-up lines.

PTs love teaching dangerous techniques, like jumping up and down while holding barbells over your head, stretching to the point of pain, and even running up and down staircases with your eyes closed (to build trust in zìjǐ). You will never see them without a phone in their hand, but don’t EVER give them your phone number, because they’re gonna call you more than your crazy ex-boyfriend Ricky who moved to Bangkok.

If a PT sees you doing a technique they’re unfamilar with, like a chin-up, they’ll run over, tell you you’re doing something wrong, and offer to “teach” you at an hourly rate higher than most English tutors. Then they’ll try to talk to you about your “diet”, but honey you can’t take nutrition advice from someone that lives off fried rice and Báishā cigarettes.

 

3. That Played-Out Mixtape

LoveBangGymMixtape

Kind of a misnomer, because my gym’s mixtape isn’t even mixed. He’s definitely tired though, because he’s been working 14-hour shifts every day since 2012 without a single break. I block out what I can but still rememember the following:

– a trap remix of “What’s Going On”, by 4 Non Blondes

– some bullshit they were playing at Stormy’s Festival 2013

– 88LouieXIII Bar’s electrohouse remix of Akon’s “I Wanna Fuck You”

Urgh.

 

4. The Lewd Sauna Ayis

LoveBangSaunaAyis

Sure, these ladies may look nice and proper when they’re wearing their high-heels on the treadmills, but behind the doors of the ladies locker room, their vibe turns way darker. They post up in the sauna for hours, wrapped in plastic like some kind of fetish website. They’re spread eagle on the floor, scrubbing the skin off their backs, munching on tea eggs, and shouting all the secrets of their friends and neighbors. Here’s something I heard the one time I wandered in there: “Did you see that girl with the foreign boyfriend? Ó yō! Her pussy must be destroyed!”

Sauna Ayis basically treat the gym like their home, and they all possess the superpower of being able to talk and hear each other no matter how loud the background noise is.

 

5. The Hairdryers – Catland’s #1 Victim

LoveBangHairdryer

I just feel real bad for them. These folks are actually working harder than anyone at the gym. And like veterans and refugees, they have witnessed upspeakable horrors. #PrayForTheHairDryers

 

OK so I quit the gym. Sold my membership card to someone named Vivian. But I still look fine as hell because now I just work out at the elderly folks gym outside in the park across the street. There’s birds singing, sunbeams shining, Ayis dancing, and best of all, the membership is free! Now, instead of looking at some upper middle-class folks staring at their phones, I just watch the grandpas happily hit the trees with their back as they fix their qì. And I’ve never felt better.

 

– Relationship Counselor Rabbit

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Love Bang Music Digs: June 2017

By | 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 July 2nd, 2017|Categories: Music|

LoveBangMusicDigsJune2017

 

 

Hey fam, here’s what we listened to and played in the club in June. Some of these tracks were made by cats. Some were made by our friends, like that banger by our Shanghai-via-Harbin homie Zean on his upcoming EP on Push & Pull. Some, like that Ikonika bootleg, were even made by us (download it?).

Grab a Family Mart ice cream, get under some AC, and hit that play button. Cartoons meet real life again on Saturday, July 8 at Dada Shanghai.

GIFDadaShanghaiJuly82017LoveBang

Are White Dogs Ruining Shanghai?

By | 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 June 21st, 2017|Categories: Stories|Tags: , |

 

Due to this disturbing incident where this dude smashed a taxi window last weekend in a fit of rage, we interrupt your regularly-scheduled lifestyle content for a special public service announcement from…

 

Love Bang Gunther Social Harmony Dog

 

Hey I’m Gunther and we need to talk. See, I’ve lived here for so long that I’m probably never going home. I speak fluent Meow and I own an apartment in Minhang. In fact, I don’t even remember where my home is.

[Woof!] But lately I’ve been feeling some baaadddd vibes from all the local cats in my community. And there’s a good reason for that.

Some of you are seriously fucking up the vibe for all of us.

Last week I saw a white poodle lay down on the floor in the subway and drink a street beer. Then I saw a pomeranian crash his scooter into a cat’s car and just drive away laughing.

Seriously?

Y’all are gonna make it harder for me to get a visa. I’ve got good community relations and I’d like to keep it that way. So to keep the social harmony going, I’ve prepared a special presentation about the bad characters among us. Don’t be like them.

 

1. Trashy Timmy

LoveBangTrashyTimmy

Timmy loves to pee on the street and he looks like he shops for clothing in the garbage can behind Pizza Hut. He’s always broke because he spends all his tutoring money on gobblehoots and spurble. Actually he’s always smoking spurble in front of cats because “they don’t know what it is” (they do). His favorite shirt has a gravy stain on it, and his favorite place to sleep is on the sidewalk in front of the after-hours club when all the local grandmas are out doing their morning exercise. Bad look, man.

 

2. Disrespectful Stevie

LoveBangDisrespectfulStevie

“Ughhh, this stupid bitch doesn’t even speak Woof”, is Stevie’s favorite thing to say. But Stevie can’t even pronounce his own address properly in Meow. And if he talked to folks back home in Doglandia the way he does here, they would probably break his head open and let his brains cook in the sun. He thinks cats are all really dumb, and he loves to talk down to them in front of their face because he thinks they can’t speak Woof. Guess what, they can still understand tone bruh.

 

3. Becky The Cat

LoveBangBeckyTheCat

Yes, Becky is actually a cat, but she was born and raised in Doglandia. Therefore she loves to complain and let everyone know that she’s not “from here”. Try speaking to her in Meow and she’ll just bark in your face and possibly pee on your feet. While she isn’t necessarily going to make life harder for us dogs, she is going to annoy everyone. Hey Becky – shut the fuck up!

.

4. Ricky The Rager

Love Bang Ricky The RagerRicky… It’s really a miracle he’s still alive. He’s only truly happy when he’s drinking free beer at the all-dogs bar in Jing’an. Otherwise, he’s constantly lashing out at folks, kicking cabs, pushing cats on the subway, screaming at folks who cut him in line, and drunk driving on his scooter. Sometimes he gets drunk and steals bottles from restaurants. Ricky really needs to learn how to meditate.

.

5. Todd The Dog Privilege Poodle

5

Todd is the worst kind of dog. He knows that most Shanghai cats are too passive and too nice and they tolerate all kinds of bullshit from dogs, so he totally abuses his dog privilege. His favorite phrase is, “they won’t say shit – I’m a dog!”, like when he skips the security check in the metro. You can find him drinking free alcohol at tables at shitty clubs and refusing to pay cover anywhere decent. Todd isn’t shit back home in Doglandia, but here, he’s a king. Fuck you, Todd..

 

Now I realize that a lot of dogs are pretty chill. But since we all come from Doglandia – a.k.a. outside of Shanghai – these bad characters affect all of us. Don’t tolerate them.

“But Gunther, ALL THE CATS DO IT TOO!”

Not true. And even IF 80% of cats acted like this, we gotta be the 20% and lead by example. Maybe you’re going home after your teaching contract, but I call this place home, so stop killing my vibe. [Meow!].

.

– Gunther The Social Harmony Dog

 

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NoBike’s New Xiao San Lurrr™ 小三轮儿 Disrupts China’s Bike-Sharing Industry

By | 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 May 9th, 2017|Categories: Stories|Tags: , , |

missing

Have you ever thought, “I wish I was in better shape. I wish I could be more creative. I wish I had more time to be outside. And I wish my wife could speak better English!”

Well what if today, not one, not two, but THREE of those wishes could come true?

Now they can! Introducing the newest disruptive technology in the evolution of transporation – the Xiao San Lurrr™ 小三轮儿, by NoBike™.

Love Bang Xiao San Lun

Bicycles only have two wheels, but smart folks like yourself know that three is always stronger than two. That’s why Xiao San Lurrr™ has THREE wheels, and a crazy Creative Deck™.

Forget about waiting for cabs ever again. Just grab a Xiao San Lurrr™, tell your crew to hop in the back, and now it’s LIT wherever you go. And with aesthetics like Xiao San Lurrr™, everyone’s gonna be begging you for a ride.

party

With pre-parties like this, you might not even make it to the club.

But Xiao San Lurrr™ is about so much more than just riding. Here’s just a few disruptive ideas you can make happen with your Creative Deck™.

1. Bring out your inner entrepreneur and use Creative Deck™ as a venue for your very own pop-up shop. Now you can finally sell those Thanksgiving kebabs, open a DJ School, or host a turtle adoption day – the only limit is your imagination. You can even link-up with other creative Xiao San Lurrr™ users and throw your own creative market or festival!

Love Bang Thanksgiving Kebab

2. Xiao San Lurrr doubles as an eco-friendly co-working space, right on the street – and we all know that’s where the real opportunities are. Plus, there’s free craft beer because that’s how millennials get shit done!

 

3. Dark skin is trending, but why pay an expensive tanning salon when you can run your own, right from your Creative Deck™? Let your friends tan for free or charge ’em by the minute!

Love Bang Tanning Salon

4. Go crazy with some of our VIP Options and pimp out your ride!

Love Bang Xiao San Lurrr VIP Options

Still on the fence? Just listen to these testimonials from our satisfied riders.

 

“A few years ago, my wife Ruby and I fell in love when we met at the People’s Square English corner. But after she got pregnant, we realized the cultural differences were massive! Once, I almost threw her mother out of the 21st floor window. But thanks to our date nights with Xiao San Lurrr™, love is in the air again. Thanks, NoBike!” – Tony Guy

 

couple

 

“Last month, I told my boss, ‘hey man, you can suck my D – I’m starting my own company.’ Now I’m my own boss. I’ve got an English learning center on the back of my Xiao San Lurrr.” – Ricky Kushner

 

“OK, I NEED A XIAO SAN LURRR. SWING DOWN AND LET ME RIDE!”

 

Love Bang Xiao San Lurrr App

Here’s the best part – Xiao San Lurrr™ is organic and 100% free! We don’t even need your passport info. Just download the app from the Trap Store and prepare a deposit of 5000rmb (cash only), and we’ll send one of our uncles over to collect it in three minutes, anywhere in China. You read that right – three minutes. We got a lot of uncles.

After that, we’ll invest your deposit into a complicated but 100% risk-free string of offshore investments. But you don’t need to worry about that! Whenever you see a Xiao San Lurrr, just hop on and park it wherever you want. And if someone gets mad about you parking your Xiao San Lurrr in the middle of the road or the blind folks lane, just laugh in their stupid face and tell them, “Good luck kicking this over, gramps! We all know triangles are the strongest!”

Xiao San Lurrr, by NoBike. It’s no bike – because it’s got three wheels.

Love Bang Xiao San Lurrr Logo

 

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